I’m not living the life I always hoped for. I’m a planner. In high school, I knew I would go to college to become a teacher. I would get married and have babies. Four. Four babies was my number. Five was too many and anything less than three was not enough. When I started dating my would-be husband, I made all of this very clear. This should have scared him away, but it didn’t.
When we got married, I began planning our first child. I didn’t want to wait. The truth is I knew we would have issues. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in my early twenties and was warned very early on that I was high risk for infertility. So while we didn’t want to wait to start our family, my body didn’t give us a choice.
After a year and half and some help from my doctor, we were finally expecting our first born. The 17 months it took me to get pregnant were torture. There were so many tears and emotions. So many times I was devastated as friend after friend announced their pregnancies. My feelings were irrational and so dramatic, but honestly infertility takes you to a very dark place.
I thought that those 17 months were hard. I had no idea what was to come. We delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He was (and still is) perfect. As perfect as an almost 4 year old boy can be. He has his moments for sure. I knew of people that had trouble conceiving their first children, but after that things seemed to work perfectly. I hoped that would be the case for us. I was wrong.
Here we are, almost 4 years later, still hoping for another child. The treatment plan that worked for my son failed this time. So did multiple other options. We have seen specialists, spent thousands of dollars, cried millions of tears, and taken breaks from treatment praying for a miracle. We are currently at the end of our rope. If the treatment plan we are on now doesn’t work in the next couple of months we will have exhausted our fertility resources. Forget four babies. There may not even be a baby number two.
The funny thing is, things change. The person I was back when I wanted four babies is no longer who I am now. I blame circumstances and experience. I look at my little family of three and see how incredibly blessed I am. I no longer yearn for four children. One more would be incredible and such a blessing, but I can see our family staying as a family of three. It fits us.
This isn’t to say that I’ve given up hope of more children. Maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe a new door will be opened. We haven’t closed the door on adoption. We are exploring all of our options. I used to be bitter that I didn’t get to choose how big our family would be. Not anymore. Now I see that things are exactly as they should be. I can’t control my future and for once in my life I am okay with that. It’s taken me a long time to come to this place of peace and contentment. I am so thankful to finally be here.
If you are struggling with infertility and you aren’t experiencing that peace, don’t lose hope. Trust me, I still have my bad days. Pregnancy announcements can still be triggers for me, but each day is a new day. Resolve is a wonderful organization if you are looking for resources or support on your infertility journey.
You can read more about my journey, experiences, and thoughts on infertility here.