Loss, Infertility and Learning to Love Mother’s Day

Loss, Infertility and Learning to Love Mother’s Day - Raleigh Moms BlogSince 2007, I have hated Mother’s Day. After having tragically just lost my mother, it really felt like the Universe – okay, the greeting card industry – was pouring salt in my wound. I lost my mother when I was 26 years old and during that time following her death, my world felt like it was collapsing.  About a week after her funeral, I tried to go back to my regular routine but I couldn’t just feel normal and wondered when I’d ever feel happy again.  Needing a reprieve and something to distract me from my grief, I quit my stable and decent-paying job at a government contracting firm and headed to Scotland and Ireland for several weeks to travel and visit friends. It was a good distraction until it was time to come home. 

Time worked its healing powers to numb my grief and things got a little easier with each passing day.  In that year after losing my mom, two remarkable things happened.  At the time, I don’t think I realized how life-changing both events would be for me.  I started a new job in higher education that turned into a rewarding and successful career. And a few months after I started that job, I met the man who would later become my husband.  A man who has stood by my side and has loved me unconditionally.  A man who I know my mom would have absolutely adored.  Fast forward to four years later, we were married and happy. Yet I was still having a tough time each time Mother’s Day.  I missed my mom and that holiday was just a heartbreaking reminder that I didn’t have her. 

Shortly after we were married, we wanted to start a family.  Months went by, nothing was happening in the way of pregnancy and I began to worry.  A lot of my friends already had babies and I tried my best to feel happy for them, yet I couldn’t help feeling jealous.  As more and more time went by and I wasn’t getting pregnant, the jealousy gave way to anger.  I was so angry at the crappy hand I felt I had been dealt and was entering into yet another tragedy of what would be infertility and more loss.  I desperately wanted to have a child of my own and grow my family.  Even though I didn’t think it could be possible, I hated each passing Mother’s Day EVEN more than the one before. I didn’t have my own mother and I wasn’t one. Eventually, we decided to meet with a fertility specialist and were lucky enough to get pregnant after a few rounds of treatment.  We were over the moon. To keep a long – and incredibly painful – story short, we lost that baby at the start of my second trimester.  To say we were devastated is an understatement.  We plunged ahead with more fertility treatments and then suffered another tragic loss.  We then decided to switch doctors for another opinion and a fresh start.  

Spoiler alert: this sob-fest does have a happy ending!  We had a successful IVF cycle with the new doctor; I was pregnant!  I was extremely cautious and after the losses we had suffered and I just kept waiting for something horrible to happen.  But it never did.  Instead, on August 15, 2014, we welcomed the cutest (and at nearly 11 pounds, the most gigantic!) baby I’d ever seen.  Motherhood was like a powerful and addictive drug: once I had a baby, I wanted more!  Because of my age and the issues we had conceiving, our doctor advised us that we should not waste much time and that we should go straight to IVF again.  22 months later, an equally adorable (but, thankfully not so large) baby arrived.  The second I held my baby daughter in my arms, I looked at my husband and said, “One more?!”.  He just smiled and rolled his eyes.  Who knows what will happen and if we will be able to have another baby.  Even if we aren’t, I will be 100% perfectly happy with the amazing children I have been blessed to have and for the opportunity to be a mother. 

In May 2015, I got to look at Mother’s Day through a fresh, changed and extremely grateful pair of eyes.  I finally had a child of my own and this holiday had a new, and most importantly, happy meaning to me.  And on Mother’s Day 2017 I got to celebrate two beautiful children!  Don’t get me wrong, even though it has been a little over 11 years since I lost her, I still miss my mom terribly.  But honestly, it isn’t Mother’s Day that is the trigger for me anymore.  I miss her mostly during our normal day to day routines as I raise my children –  wishing she were here to see them, to watch them grow, and to love on them like she did me and my brother so immensely.  I’ve decided this year that I will not dwell on the loss of my mom on Mother’s Day.  Instead, I will use it as a time to reflect and be thankful that I finally got the honor and privilege of being a mother myself.   I know I can honor my own mother by being the best mother I can, and one that she role-modeled so beautifully.  So now, in an ironic and unique way, Mother’s Day holds a most special meaning for me and one that I am grateful to be able to celebrate as a mom myself.

Cameron Jones of Cameron Jones Interiors and Adorned Adobe

After spending 15 years in Washington, D.C., Cameron, along with her husband and two young children, recently relocated back to her hometown of Raleigh.  Cameron launched Cameron Jones Interiors in March of this year and has been the voice behind her blog, Adorned Abode since 2009, where she blogs about making a house a home.  While Cameron’s family is her main job and primary love; interior design is her second.  She’s happiest when she’s got Mexican food, a large glass of red wine and a good home makeover show on the TV.  Follow Cameron on InstagramFacebook and Twitter.  

, , , , ,

One Response to Loss, Infertility and Learning to Love Mother’s Day

  1. Avatar
    Emily May 27, 2018 at 6:22 pm #

    This really spoke to my heart!

HTML Snippets Powered By :