Finding Love Through Loss

Finding Love Through Loss

If you asked me 5 years ago, I probably would have told you that I wasn’t sure if I would ever be a mom at all. I was single, career focused and driven. To be honest, I am not 100% sure I knew where I was driving to, but man, I was really going somewhere!

Then, things changed. I met my husband at a work conference, probably the last place I was ever planning to meet the man I was going to marry. We had one of those kismet kind of moments…and I remember being back in the office two days later, telling a friend of mine “I just looked at him and thought, I am going to make adorable blue-eyed babies with this guy”.

Two years later, I had moved to Raleigh, switched jobs (twice), was still on the fast track to somewhere and we were about to be married. It was then that everything REALLY changed. About a month before our wedding, I lost one of my best friends to melanoma. She was my age! We had just danced at HER wedding a year earlier. It totally knocked the wind out of my sails. 

Life is so precious and fleeting. You really have to stop, look around, smell the roses and think “is this what I want to be doing”? Three weeks after my friend’s memorial service, we walked down the aisle. Her sister, my best friend, was there standing with me. Her parents were there. I had so many mixed emotions at that time and felt almost guilty celebrating anything at all, but life was going on…and I was starting to think.

About a month after our wedding, my grandfather, who I absolutely adored, was walking his dog. He fell, hit his head and had a brain bleed. We booked flights and on our way to RDU, my sister called to tell me, we probably wouldn’t make it there in time. I was crushed. My Grampi, who was probably my biggest fan, had always shown me love and support, had never let me down, would leave this world without me there to say good-bye. 

Instead, something amazing happened – he waited. He waited for me to get there. One of the most precious gifts I will ever be given in this life, was to be able to hold that man’s hand when he left this world. 

I tell you these things, not out of request for sympathy, but because this is how I got here. This is how I became a mom. Losing two people so dear left me shell-shocked and devastated, but perhaps ironically, my faith started becoming stronger. I prayed for something to heal the hurt, I prayed that I could find a way to not be bitter and resentful. 

We had talked about not waiting that long to have a child because frankly…we aren’t getting any younger! Our plan was to be on the no-plan plan. Never having aimed to have a child before, I had no clue what to expect. I knew I had some friends that got pregnant instantly and some that tried for what seemed like ages. 

A month after we memorialized my grandfather, I was pregnant. There it was. I was going to be a mom. THIS was going to happen. Through my loss, I was finding love. 

My grandmother followed my grandfather 2 months later. Yes, it was another loss, but this time it almost felt joyful. We we were crushed to lose her, but there was beauty in her passing.  She spent her life being a wife and mother and it was her greatest joy. Her heart was broken without him and she followed the love of her life to be with him again. 

Our daughter, a beautiful blue-eyed little girl, was born exactly one year and three days after I lost my friend. Perhaps I just got lucky, perhaps things just worked out that way. I personally choose to believe that she is my own little angel, right here on earth. Our little family – is a symbol that life and love do go on.

One Response to Finding Love Through Loss

  1. Tara Brelinsky
    Tara Brelinsky March 5, 2015 at 9:06 am #

    What a beautiful and true lesson you learned.We married young (me 21, hubs 23) and thought you had or whole life mapped out until our firstborn son died as an infant. That loss freed us from our delusions of control and led us to open our hearts so much wider. I never wish the trauma and sorrow of loss on anyone, but it can become a blessing if you allow it to change you. Our loss and five more throughout our 22 years have caused us to savor every day with our living kiddos because we know time is not unlimited. Thanks for sharing your story.

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