There have been many things that we have learned about adoption as we navigate the process, but one of the biggest things that has come to our attention is how misinformed the majority of people are about adoption. Not every adoption story is the same, but on our journey with an open domestic infant adoption, this is what we want you to know.
There’s No Real Timeline
Every time we have a meeting with our agency or a deadline, it’s not the day. There’s not a room full of babies for us to choose from or a baby coming home today. Things take time. This is a long process. When we have something to tell you, we promise we will. Please stop asking if we are getting our baby today or how much longer the wait will be. We could get the call that our baby is here next week or it could be years. We don’t know.
We Don’t Want Your Pity
Yes, we couldn’t get pregnant. Yes, we spent years mourning our infertility, but adoption isn’t a consolation prize. We are just as excited to be on this journey as we were when we were pregnant with our son. Please stop telling us how much you “hate” the process for us. We are celebrating. Yes, it’s a long process. Yes, it’s expensive, but it’s going to be worth it. Please celebrate and be excited with us.
Your Prejudice and Comments are Not Helpful and They Hurt
We don’t know who our child will be. We haven’t met him or her yet, but we can’t wait to meet our baby regardless of the color of his/her skin or the circumstances that will lead this baby to us. Our baby may not look like us in many different ways. And while we haven’t met our baby yet, the idea of who our child will be is enough to flood our hearts with love and defenses. If you continue to show your prejudice, you are only going to drive a wedge in the relationship we have with you.
Open Adoption is Beautiful
We know it sounds scary. Trust us, we were scared too, but if you do your research the way we have, you will see that open adoption is the best thing for all parties involved. Our child will not have to wonder where he/she came from or be curious about why they were adopted. The birth parents will be able to heal after the adoption knowing they can follow their child’s life and not wonder what happened. And we will have a relationship with the people that grew our baby and loved him/her first.
Birth Moms Aren’t Monsters
Like all people, birth moms come from a variety of backgrounds and situations and while we haven’t met the birth mom to our child yet, please don’t assume that she’s a terrible person that doesn’t want her baby. Through the process of adoption, we have met birth moms who love their children as a mother should, but their circumstances prevent them from being able to parent. It is because of that love that they are making an adoption plan. They want more for their child than they can give. This act alone is proof that birth moms are amazing people!
A Different Type of Adoption is Not Better (for us)
Yes, we know that there are orphans in third world countries. We are aware about the foster program in our area. All roads to adoption are beautiful ways to create a family. They are different paths and we are on the journey that God has led our family to. That doesn’t make our adoption story more superior to someone else’s and it doesn’t make your road to adoption better either.
Adoption is Not a Fertility Treatment
Just because we are on the path to adoption doesn’t mean that we will get pregnant. Is it possible? Sure! Anything is possible. But after 3 years of infertility treatments and countless medications and procedures, we are not holding out for a pregnancy. And even if we did get pregnant, that doesn’t take the place of the child joining our family through this beautiful process. So please stop saying, “You know you’ll get pregnant after you adopt.”
Did you know that only 5% of families that adopt after infertility end up pregnant? The adoption didn’t make that happen. Regardless of whether the family adopted or not, the pregnancy would have happened in time. But now those families have two children to love instead of just one. How amazing is that?
If you know someone adopting, please treat their journey to adoption like you would anyone that is pregnant. There may not be the reminder of a growing belly, an ultrasound to show off, or a due date, but adoption is a real way to grow a family. Adoption is beautiful and your friends and family want to feel your love and support as they navigate the process.
You can follow my family’s journey to grow our family through adoption on my blog, Cloth Diaper Revival.